Advent-ure continued

Advent Day 3 - we had a super busy Christmasy Day today. First we had our wards Christmas Breakfast, where a special visitor came. Robson is adorable - he gets "star struck" or shy because when Santa asks what he would like for Christmas Robson will freeze up. Then when he walks away he gets so sad and disappointed. Breaks my heart. Good thing we can send a letter to Santa. 

Then in the afternoon Zaida and I went to a Christmas concert at the high school. It was really a great concert. Zaida got a good snooze during it - she took the directors advise to heart ("sit back & relax")!

Robson had a soccer game where he "almost got a goal". 

And, to finish off our day, we got to do dinner and some shopping with Aunt Angie!

Christmas Advent-ure 2016

So, this year we actually started our Adventure a bit early. We went to Festival of Trees on the 30th - shhhhh. I'll probably post pics on a day when I have burned out. 😂

Then the first day of December, as always, we start off our advent with a German dinner. Which, of course, I forgot to take pics of. Boo. 

But, Day 2 - I'm on it! We went to Johnny Rockets, did a little shopping & hit up the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Our version of two turtle doves (chocolate turtles) 😊

Reunions

Tomorrow is my 20th year high school reunion. I'm excited to see some old buddies. I'm nervous that I forgot a lot of people. I'm dreading having to see/talk to some people who made high school & college life difficult for me. I'm worried that I will say/do something embarrassing. 

Why is high school so debilitating? Doesn't even seem to matter that I am 20 years removed. This still stressed me out!

And since I am a girl, almost all day I have tried to decide what to wear ... GASP! What outfit will give the impression that I want to leave people with. And then I think - lllllaaaaammmmmeee! Why am I worried about this?!?

Ok, I had friends and enemies alike call me by one word thinking that should explain everything about me. Cheerleader. Yes, I was a cheerleader. Because of that, lots of people knew me. But, I also worked very hard to be friendly to everyone. I had a lot of acquaintances from all different groups of people. East side. West side. Rich. Poor. Punks. Preppies. Older. Younger. I also worked really hard to have good grades. And to set myself up for future success. Could I have been better? Sure. Couldn't we all! But, I feel like I did "enough." 😉

I think in my mind, people must assume that high school was easy for me and that I lived a charmed life. As such, I think people possibly judged me too harshly at times.

So, now I am 37, going back to be with people who for the most part I haven't seen in decades. What story do I want them to take away from their interactions with me? Most of all, I want people to know that I am a sincere, kind person who is secure and pleased with her life. I have a wonderful family - the best! I have  a beautiful, comfortable home. My marriage is solid. I am educated, but have chosen to stay home with my children. I have been extremely fortunate. It didn't come without trials, struggles & hardships. But, I am super happy with where I am in this stage of my life. And, looking forward to what's going to happen this next 20 years. 

So, tomorrow I really want to be reunited with my self-confidence. I also pray I can be attentive to people and leave them feeling better & happier than when they came to me. I hope I can leave an impression of the true me. The one that doesn't have a label. 

But, really ... What necklace goes with that???

Woah, that's catchy!

That's what Robson said when we read this phrase painted in Zaidas Elementary school ... "To lead people, walk beside them." --- Lao-Tsu

Enough

Have I cleaned enough today? Have I spent enough quality time with the kids today? Have I shown enough love today? Has the family eaten enough - and, even further, have they had enough healthy food? Have I gotten enough work in today? Enough personal development? Enough exercise? Enough sleep? Enough steps? Enough ... (Fill in the blank)?

Seems like this is a constant dialog in my life. Anyone else?

And to this I say, who determines which level of enough-ness is, in fact, "enough"? Of course there is the "easy" comparison of the levels that our peers and neighbors set. But, logically we see that this is flawed, right? I may have a neighbor who reads a self-help book everyday, but eats a dozen donuts while doing it. But, I only see her determination to improve herself through her studies. That's not a true measuring stick, because we will just beat ourselves up by only seeing the great in everyone. And holy cow! That is one daunting challenge after another. 

So, as you may have figured out by now - I have some tendencies towards craziness! 😜 as such, this should come as no shock to you. I have literally tried to come up with a time plan for my life. We have them for money management, so why not have something for time management? Daily, I should spend x number of hours on: cleaning, food preparation, exercise, spiritual studies, work, personal development --- with child care & quality time with my two adorable kids sprinkled throughout every day! So, maybe if I schedule my life then I will get enough sleep, enough accomplished, enough weight loss, enough money, ... Enough happiness? 

That's crazy! I know! 

A friend posted an article she just read about how satan likes to trap women in cycles of anxiety and depression. He is so sneaky. It makes so much sense to me. He rejoices when we get in these self-sabotaging patterns. And not only do we bring ourselves down, we bring our families down with us. (Here is the link to the post: http://www.insideoutminds.com/home/arsenal)

The one thing that this really reminds me of is a part of my patriarchal blessing that has always kind of perplexed me. It basically states that I have weaknesses (surprise! 😂). But that I should not use them as excuses or stumbling blocks, but to "use them as stepping stones to overcome and thus grow."

So, here I am! Enough is enough! No excuses. I could be better. I could be much worse. But, today I am enough!  

Fear of the unknown

As I've gotten older and observed others around me, I have become astonished at how many people "settle" for their unhappy ways instead of choosing the unknown. For the record, I am not exempt from this. I went through a period of extreme unhappiness and confusion. And I stayed in it for a number of years. Why would anyone in their right mind do that?!? Well, first ... I probably wasn't in my "right" mind. But, secondly, and more importantly (for this posts purposes), I think it was easier to stay in my situation because I simply knew what to expect. If I chose to do life a different way could I end up exponentially happier? Sure. But, things could also get so much worse. Right? That's part of the unknown. You just never know! 

I was in the shower (of course!) when I had the thought ... I wonder if there have been any studies on "let's make a deal" where they research how many people "gamble" their new earnings on the mystery box. How many people stick with the cash in hand, even though they could win a car?! I'm sure this is a skewed indicator of real life, because the winners probably haven't grown attached to their winnings yet. But, this is how my brain works, people. 

So, I googled it.

I found an interesting article on the website Psychology Today that says the following: "It turns out that activities that lead us to feel uncertainty, discomfort, and even a dash of guilt are associated with some of the most memorable and enjoyable experiences of people's lives."

"Happy people, it seems, engage in a wide range of counterintuitive habits ..."

"Truly happy people seem to have an intuitive grasp of the fact that sustained happiness is not just about doing things that you like. It also requires growth and adventuring beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. Happy people, are, simply put, curious."

"Curiosity, it seems, is largely about exploration—often at the price of momentary happiness. Curious people generally accept the notion that while being uncomfortable and vulnerable is not an easy path, it is the most direct route to becoming stronger and wiser."

I didn't finish the article, because, truth be told, my brain couldn't handle any more! But, what I did read made me feel reassured in my laman observations. Life is tough. Being an adult is not easy sometimes. I'm grateful that I ventured beyond my boundaries and took the uncomfortable fork in the road. I know that it's difficult to take that step outside your comfort zone. Believe me, I do! But, I "gambled" and I won! I now know the sweetness of a comfortable, happy life that I would have never had if I hadn't taken that first scary, hesitant step. 

This reminds me also of a story where a man and his son were driving down a pitch black highway in a soupy fog. The son was afraid. But, his dad calmed the boys fears by showing him the steady beam of light coming from the cars headlights. And here is the ah-ha moment ... The darkness can never overtake the light, the light will always push away the darkness. 

I truly hope for you to find your true path - scary and unsteady as it may seem. Anywhere along your journey, I hope and pray that you have the light to guide you along your way. Again, you may not see your destination (which ties in to a previous post), but you will be able to see enough to safely keep you along your path. 

And if you are in your comfort zone, try to make a "scary" decision today. Doesn't need to be a big one. Try a new restaurant. Talk to a stranger. Drive a different route home. Do something new - karaoke, knit, cooking classes. Studies say you will be happier if you do! 😉

I'm trying to be more curious, too. And for those of you who know me ... This blogging thing is pretty uncomfortable for me. But, I'm trying to be more vulnerable. I'm trying to find more happiness. There's enough for us all! Let's go get some!

So ... Who's ready to make a deal?! 😊

Best

Corey and I came across a new extreme TV show, "Boundless". The show follows four endurance athletes as "they trek across seven countries and three continents competing against each other, in pairs or as a group in extreme endurance races."

For example, in the latest episode they participated in the Scottish Highlands Quadrathlon, which "features a nearly one-mile swim across Loch Tay, 60 miles of fell running over seven hills above 3,000 feet, a seven mile kayak, and a 34-mile road bike." 

So... Why do I talk about this?! Well, something one of the athletes said has made me rethink something I say quite frequently to my children ... "try your best!"

As one racer grows ever increasingly frustrated with one of the other guys he says something along the lines of how he personally always tries his best and it's hard for him to compete in a team. It almost sounded like he was implying that they weren't trying their best. Watching these guys pushing and struggling to not only complete the race, but win! it is clear to me that they are all trying their personal best(s). 

And, this is where it felt like I got smacked in the face. Everyone's "best" is different. Have I always known this? Sure. But, never had it been so vividly imprinted on me. It's a severe disservice to you and your friends to assume that you/they can match anyone else's speed, strength, or endurance. 

All of us are on an endurance race together. Each of us has our strengths and weaknesses. Which means that there will most likely be a fluctuation of speed throughout each leg of the race. There may be some like these four, that are going to excel at most everything. But, they are called "elite" racers for a reason. This proves my point further. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to measure my performance against one of them?!

I often times tell the kids to try their best, yet I set up a threshold for them where I think they should be. I need to stop doing that. Do I know my kids pretty well? Sure. Do I have a pretty good idea of what their best can be? Probably. But, I recognize now how it might be damaging for me to make a judgment that they did or didn't try their best in certain situations. 

Now for real life application purposes - I guess the appropriate thing would be to ask the questions. How do you feel? Did your best? Could you have done more? Are you comfortable with your performance?

I'm going to repeat this ... Because here is the big picture takeaway. All of us are on an endurance race together. Each of us has our strengths and weaknesses. Which means that there will most likely be a fluctuation of speed throughout each leg of the race. 

What's the most important thing? Endurance. 

2 Nephi 31:20, which happens to be this years YW Theme & my favorite scripture ... "Wherefore, ye must PRESS FORWARD with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and ENDURE TO THE END, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

No time limits listed, friends. Some finish quicker than others. Some races are cleaner than others. Some people lose their way on the trails and have to re-navigate. No judgments. I'm racing too, but I'm going to start up my cheerleading again. 😉 

We got this! We can do it! See you at the finish line! If I get there before you I will make a big paper sign to run through. If you get there before me - grab me a Coke? 😂

Bad dreams

We woke up this morning to a child half crying half screaming. If I'm honest, this isn't completely abnormal for our kids. 

Robson fell asleep really early last night and so he didn't go through his normal nightly routine - Jammie, brush teeth, go to the bathroom. So, we both kind of thought maybe he had an accident. 😁 but, when Corey went to go grab him Robson said "I have bad dream!" 😢 

So, when he came into our bed he was cuddled up with Corey, but then he kept reaching out for me to hold his hand. 

This makes me wonder about dreams ... What is it about them that makes them seem so real? It seems obvious once you wake up that they are clearly not real. The fact that there is a door on the bottom of a pool. Or that you are easily navigating through "your city", which is completely unfamiliar in real life. I would think that once I wake up I am able to reason - yes, that was a dream and did not happen. So, therefore I shouldn't be scared or unsettled by it. Right? Wrong. 

In actuality, I have studied dreams before. It's been very interesting and fun for me. (Side note: funny thing is, since I've studied them I have rarely had dreams.)

So, why do the stick with us and upset is so much? I think the answers are different for kids than for us big kids. But, we have dreams because we are having some sort of internal struggle. Our brains are trying to create a visual code to help us work through our issues. If you can figure out your own code then you should be able to place words/descriptors to your problems. And then be able to work through a solution - hopefully! 

So, I think this is why we are so upset by our dreams even long after we wake. We know deep down that there IS something we are struggling with. And that means, we probably have some work to do in order to settle ourselves again. 

The other thing that is curious to me is why Robson needed to feel the comforting touch of his parents. I mean, yes, I get it. But, even when I have an unsettling dream I need my husband to cuddle with me or, at the least, just rest his hand on my arm. Maybe we just need to feel that connection to reality?

What does this have to do with my life? I don't know. 😊 Ok, maybe my life is a code right now. I am in conflict, but I don't know how this code. So I'm going to my own personal "code".  I've been feeling like I should study my patriarchal blessing. I'm sure there are lots of gems in there that are just waiting to teach me. I won't even pretend that I have my life figured out yet. But, like my sweet little boy ... I'm just going to try my best to keep hold of reality. Stay in contact with those things that I know are positives in my life ... My beautiful children, my supportive husband, my amazing family, my dear friends, my testimony and my faith that the Lord will guide me where I need to be. 

Precipice

Ok, mad. Just had this amazing post. 😉And then my phone crashed and lost it. Ugh! Cmon universe. Work with me! 

Take two: 

Ever feel like you've been through the depths, only to break through the clouds and find yourself standing upon the precipice of the unknown? 

This is me right now. Let me explain. 

These past few months I have been feeling a bit under-utilized. I have been getting some pretty clear promptings and inspirations as of late. I have felt like I have been prepared for something. So, then I've seen some opportunities come around and I think, "Okay. Maybe this is what I've been prepared for." And then ... Nothing. It's been confusing and disappointing. Can I just say what a terrible emotion disappointment is? Here is my thought process lately. 

Why were you not given this opportunity? Was it because you said (this)? Was it because you did (that)? Should you have done (more/less)? Should I talk to (them)? It doesn't matter. No matter what you do, you still wouldn't be "chosen". You're just not good enough. STOP. THE. MADNESS. Stop. The. Madness. 

Yesterday I was in the shower (why is it always in the shower?!??!) I had that ah-ha moment. I got this distinct prompting, "Yes. I have prepared you. For ... something. Just watch. It's coming."

I searched for an image to try to explain where I "am" currently. I couldn't find it ... But, I did find this. 

I feel like I am that hiker. I know where I've come from. It was not easy for me to get to this point. And now I find myself on this wobbly bridge. Each nervous and unsteady step forward makes this bridge wobble even more. I must walk forward confidently. I can't quite see what's ahead of me. But, I'm almost there. It's going to be beautiful and amazing. Right? Here's hoping ...

Where are you on your journey?